when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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