i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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