You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
