Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
