He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
