SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
