Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
