oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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