dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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