ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
