i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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