That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
