i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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