Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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