so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
