On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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