woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
