if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
