She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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