Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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