I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
