Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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