well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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