Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
