I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
