if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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