true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
