Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
