She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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