i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The ass gains better be worth it
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