I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
