who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
