When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
