the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
