there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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