Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Randomize
