True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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