his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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