nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
