I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
