I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
