At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Randomize
