i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
