nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
do nipples grow back?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
