Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
