Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
