I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
