I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
