you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
