I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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