GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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