i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
